Dark Avengers : Irreplaceable Idiots
by sketzocase
Summary: Osborn has some conflicts with his team. Leading him to question why he brought them together in the first place.


**so i put this on live journal and probably butched that up. So here! but if for some random reason you wanted to see it again on lj- it's there. lol. shameless promoting awayyyyy!**

**Slight Lester/Daken- slight. If you read fast you won't even notice it.**

**usual warnings. foul language... blah blah. Not my characters. blah blah. **

**Read, enjoy, (review hopefully). Thank yall for reading!**

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Looking out of a lofty tower window, a very tired man prepares himself for what is sure to be a long and heated debate. Gathering what courage he has, even though the thought the upcoming event makes his stomach turn, he pushes the small button. "Ms. Hand, Send them in now."

The office was done in varying shades of grey and green, all complementing each other nicely. Expensive leather furniture adorned the walls, complete with small, heavy, rounded inn tables beside each of the couches ends.

It was a nice office. Kept very neat, if not by it's owner by varying house cleaning staff.

Sitting at a simply designed oak desk, Norman Osborn taps his fingers in annoyance.

He liked nice _neat_ things, like his office. Unfortunately his team of 'Avengers' were anything but.

To explain his team… well they were each like a small volcano, ready to explode chaos down upon anyone who happened to set them off.

And with a grab bag of mental illness and psychosis, it was hard to say just who or what would set them off. Norman looked at it as if he were walking around controlling several time bombs.

The fact that the team didn't particularly seem to like each other made this particular situation very , very unstable.

"Put that down!" Victoria Hand's voice sounded troubled outside the door. Some incoherent growling follows this before a rather dull 'thud'.

She opens the doors, expertly walking backwards in her basic black hells so she can scold the two men behind her as she goes. Her usual professional attire looked worried.. and burnt. Osborn didn't know each of those to address first.

"Sir. We're having some.. disturbance in the tower." Victoria holds an out held hand towards Daken and 'Hawkeye' (which was just bullseye in disguise.) both locked in an intense stare at each other and stripped down to their underwear. "After I called you about the original issue- they.." She seems to be searching for a way to phrase it. "Well they rolled into the kitchen." The woman winces a little in memory. "There are several small fires and-."

"Why are they mostly naked?" Norman asked in disgust, interrupting Hand as if she hadn't been speaking at all.

Victoria looks down for a second, as if embarrassed. "They started fighting in the showers, then the hall, then on the stairs, and finally ended in the kitchen. I encouraged them to clothe themselves before brining them to you, so you could discuss this notable trail of destruction they've left in their wake."

"This bitch says we left a 'trail of destruction.'" Lester sneers sadistically. "Nah. We wrecked that shit Normie." Bullseye briefly nods in his direction. "Definitely left more than a 'trail'."

Hand rolls her eyes. "There's approximately three thousand dollars worth of damage in the means of flooring, appliances-"

"Heh." Lester looked pleased with himself. "You see who I bounced the steak knife off the toaster? It was epic." Said steak knife is currently being dislodged from Daken's shoulder, causing blood to drip down onto the floor in slow, deliberate, messiness.

"Not as epic as me mopping the floor with your face, sweetness." Daken purrs, while brandishing his claws in response to Lester removing the knife.

Bullseye's eyes go wide, a look of pure hatred filtering across his face. "And who was it that got thrown down the stairs?"

"I know it was a love tap." He sneers. "It was certainly weak enough."

"Shut the hell up." Norman growls. "I've a million things to do today and interfering in whatever petty, moronic game you two are playing."

"And those figures for the damages are only from the kitchen." Hand says, looking down at a clipboard clutched in her grip as if it were a life preserver and she were drowning. "They'll be getting back to me with the rest shortly. I'll inform you as soon as the information is available."

Osborn nods slightly to acknowledge that he heard her, before turning to the two mostly naked, thoroughly cut up men. "And what do you have to say for yourselves?" It was less of a question and more of a snarl. Hand was sure that neither of the idiots would have a response.

"Princess over there climbed into the damn shower with me." Lester growls. "So I beat his ass."

Well… Hand didn't count in the certain brain functions of _'Lester',_ who would probably fight with anything, or anyone just to entertain himself.

"Right. He beat _my_ ass." Daken drawls, managing to still look dignified while standing semi nude in front of the man. He cuts his eyes sharply from Hand to Bullseye. "Whatever makes you feel better Lester."

"You're destroying my tower over an incident in the showers?" Thundered Norman. "Really? Out of the missions and prep work that we're having to go through, you two have nothing better to do than attack each other like children!"

"He climbed in the shower with me." Bullseye enunciates slowly. "I don't know why the hell your so mad at me- I'm a fucking victim!"

Norman had to the urge to laugh at the thought Bullseye being anyone's 'victim'.

"Daken, why did you climb in the shower-"

"Because I wanted to." Daken cuts him off, looking down at his nails.

" 'Because I wanted to'." Lester mocks. "Bull-fucking-shit." Blue eyes turn to Norman sharply. "Now what are you going to do? If I get in trouble for kicking his ass, what the fuck are you gonna do to him?"

"Hmm. Yes Osborne. I've been very," He stalks forward, stopping almost chest to chest with the red haired man. "very, bad. Punish me."

"See what I mean?" Bullseye stalks forward, trying to kick Daken in the back , only to have his foot caught by said man. "Let go princess!" He growls. "I'll break that fucking hand."

"Put him down." Hand instructs, sounding thoroughly annoyed.

"Tell me how you plan to retaliate against me Lester." Daken smirks. "If I decide to shatter your leg instead."

"Then I'll kick your ass again!" Lester's face was bright red now, managing to enhance the awkwardness of his wobbling flamingo stance.

"Sounds fun." Daken starts to slowly increase the pressure on Lester's leg, turning it ever so slightly to an angle that would be more suited for breaking the bone. "You forget Lester, that you ," He twists a little more, making the man almost other throw himself as he tries to retaliate, "Are nothing compared to me." Daken's snarling now. "A waste of time and space. You should consider yourself lucky that you're granted with my presence."

"Take your 'presence' and shove it up your ass." Lester says through gritted teeth.

Daken smiles, a little to wide, as if he were thinking so thoughts that were not wholly sane. He continues to work the leg in his hands, quickly adding the needed pressure. "Take it like the bitch that you are." He growls, adding insult to injury.

"Fuck you." Lester's face his a grimace of pain as he says this.

"Both of you settle." Norman growls, forcibly removing Bullseye from Daken's hold. "IF it impossible for you two to get along with killing each other then stay the hell away from each other. It's as simple as that."

Lester's face goes from pained to outraged. "The little fag won't let me go anywhere else! He's around me ALL OF THE GODAMNED TIME!"

Norman puts his head in his hands. "Daken what your do in your personal time is your own business and no one will judge you for it, but this .. thing your doing to Lester is border line sexual harassment. And if it doesn't stop, heavy penalties will be rained down until it does."

Daken arches an eyebrow, now sitting on the edge of Osborn's desk. "What if I'm not chasing him? He's more than capable of lying." Those eyes shoot straight to Lester's. "It's not my fault if he has some sort of psychotic crush on me."

"Oh I have a psychotic crush all right." Lester's voice sounds unhinged as he laughs. "A psychotic crush with the thought of actually crushing you. Or stabbing you. Or drowning you." His eyes are bright blue now. "Gutting you and feeding your entrails to those shitty park pigeons." He's almost hysterical by the time he finishes.

"That's enough." Norman snaps.

"Not nearly enough." Daken says sadistically. "And what will we do after all that foreplay, _darling." _He extends his claws in a threatening manner.

"Don't you fucking 'darling me'." Lester snaps, before a confused mix of emotions flitters across his face, making Daken look a little smug, in Norman's opinion.

Now, in his neat little office, there were two psychopaths with a love of all things gory ready to slash each other's throats. It was, again, a time bomb. Both men are in fighting stances, the tension in between the two of them almost thick enough to walk on.

He was about to go into a long winded, condescending lecture when Ares literally broke down the door.

"That cretin is eating the weights!" He thunders. "I'd strike him down if he were not under your protection." He glares at first Victoria, and then Norman.

"That 'cretin' is your teammate." Norman says, watching as the Daken and Bullseye avert their gazes from each other to the newest, more interesting display. Because that's what all this was about anyway- boredom. Daken entertaining himself at the expense of others. (both literally and metaphorically)

Victoria steps out in the hallway, gasping. "Mac.. maybe you should clam down a little before coming insi- umph." She was pushed to the floor by venom, who was grinning, showing off all of his pointy, savage teeth and seeming to take up a bit more space than usual.

"I'm not scared of you beast!" Ares shouts, filling the room with his thundering voice as he brandishes his axe.

"I didn't eat the one you was usin', did I?" Mac asks, smiling still.

Ares seems taken aback, "No… you did not."

"Then why are you bitching?"

"Bitching? You think I'M bitching?"

Mac walks further into the room. "Yea. That's exactly what you were doing."

"Why were you eating weights to begin with?" Hand asks, somewhat bemused but mostly disgusted.

"I needed some iron." The black beast pauses for a second. "Ya get it?"

"This is truly proof that he's no man at all." Ares says sternly, as if he were talking to a naughty child. "The beast cannot be trusted with even the simplest of rules- we should have him caged."

"Ares thinks he's better than you, Mac." Daken interjects, voice as smooth as water flowing through a creek. "I can smell it on him." He rises his eyebrow. "Are you going to let him get away with that?"

"Daken." Norman warns. The last thing he wanted was for Daken to ignite a fight between two giants in his office. "You've done enough for tonight."

"Which reminds me." Lester lunges forward with the steak knife from before grasped tightly in hand, aiming for Daken's throat.

"Predictable." Daken says as he easily maneuvers out of the way.

"The fuck is their problem?" Mac asks, sounding amused.

"Ignore them." Norman orders, trying to take the attention off of the scene of Daken impaling Lester, forcing him to the ground, and then taunting him- so they can repeat the process. "No one thinks that their better than anyone else."

"Except him." Daken calls from behind, sitting atop of Bullseye's back and pinning his hands to the floor by means of claws. Norman had to give them bald man some credit- he didn't make a noise whilst being stabbed. "He finds you weak. Unworthy."

"He must." Venom growls, starting to salivate. "And I was just thinking that I could go for some Greek."

At this point, Norman just lays his head in his hands. "Daken stop harassing Bullseye, Bullseye stop fighting Daken every chance you get ,Mac stop eating inanimate objects and threatening to eat people, and Ares chill the fuck out. Does that cover everything here?"

"NO!" The four 'avengers' answer in unison. At lot of things could be said here, Hand thinks to herself, but at least they're finally agreeing on something.

"Well if you'd all start acting like adults- I'm sure all of your problems would be solved." Norman sneers.

"We're not acting like adults?" Mac questions, taking his eyes off of Ares long enough to look Osborne in the face and laugh. "Fuck that shit."

"This from a man who quite literally will put almost anything he runs across into his mouth like a giant, cannibalistic, teething infant."

Venom puts his clawed fingers to the white spider on the front of his chest. "I'm hurt."

"You shall be." Ares mumbles.

"Ares-"

"MOTHER FUCKER!" Bullseye exclaims, dragging everyone's attention to where he and Daken are still situated.

Daken grins and repeats his offending action.

"Do it again, and I'll bite your fucking tongue off." He spits as Daken bends down and presses his lips to Lester's.

"Daken!" Norman balls his fist in frustration. "What did I just say to you?"

Daken smirks. "I haven't done anything. Yet."

"Yet? Hell no." Bullseye starts to struggle, but ends up going limp with a slight moan. "The hell are you doing to me?" He demands but Daken only answers with another kiss.

"Off of him." Osborne states in the harshest tone he can. When Daken refuses to move, he stalks across the room and pulls him from atop the other man- who promptly tackles Daken again and knocks Norman over as well. He barely as time to collect himself from the floor before Daken and Lester start a brutal fist fight that he was sure he'd have to pay for someone to clean up afterwards.

Ares seems to follow their example by punching venom hard enough to throw him into a nearby wall, making a humongous crater.

"You'll pay for that." Mac growls, growing a little in size- as if he were going to try and swallow Ares whole or something. This leads to another fist fight and consequently more damage to the office.

"All of you grow up." Hand tries to yell over their commotion, but none of the men seem to be hearing her."

"You should all stop." Sentry says from the doorway, looking vaguely confused and all over distant. "It's not right for a team to fight like this."

No one particularly felt like dealing with Bob's level of crazy, so slowly the fights disbanded.

"Very well said Bob." Norman looks at the mess that's left of his office. "In fact- to get our little to bond better- I'm putting the tower on lock-down. No one leaves." He turns to Victoria. "Miss Hand? Please initiate the protocols."

"So your… grounding us?" Mac asked, sounding more amused than any of the other's looked.

"You don't have the authority." Daken sneers.

"My tower, my team- I AM the ultimate authority."

"Someone's got a god complex." Lester smirks.

"Get used to it." Norman growls. "Now get the fuck out of my office. All of you."

A few noncommittal grunts, and some stabs made at Osborne and everyone was filing out the way they came.

"Sir?" Victoria asked, standing beside him. "Are you alright?"

Norman shakes his head for a few seconds. "Get someone in here to clean up this mess."

"Yes sir. Anything else?"

Osborn thinks for a second. "Yes, actually. Start pulling up potential replacements for my Avengers."

"On who?" She asks professional.

The red-haired man puts his hands to his temples- as if he could massage away the on setting migraine. "All of them." He answers, looking around his destroyed office. "Every single fucking one."


End file.
